We all have our down days...

... and today is mine. And I can't say that I'm not due for one. I had a wonderful Christmas and New Year, and frankly I had a wonderful December. I don't typically use this blog as a means for venting, and most of the time I don't feel like I have much to complain about - I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl, a supportive family, and compassionate friends. There are so many women out there without those things. But, I also know that we all have our struggles in life. And they vary from season to season. Frequently moving, death, miscarriage, divorce, morning sickness... this season in my life, my struggle has an acronym - PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Why is this such a struggle for me? My whole life, I have dealt with the symptoms of this disease, without having a hint of what was wrong until the last two years. And even then, it is such a complex thing, there is so much to learn. And it carries the added bonus of no cure. So, I could wallow in my frustration, but I also have the option to look at my little 2 year old girl and see what a miracle she is. I am so blessed to have been able to conceive and carry her full term.

Here's my depression: another month, no pregnancy. I've heard so many people say that all their life, they really didn't care one way or the other if they had children or not. Well, honestly, I was that way. I wanted to have a baby because that's what I was supposed to do, and that's what all my married friends were doing. But I couldn't get pregnant. At the time, no big deal. Yeah, it was frustrating, but I didn't know any different.

Then, I got pregnant. I was excited. I didn't understand why it happened finally, and why it happened so early in my second marriage. Now, I know the miracle that Jocey really is. And now, because I know my chances for having another baby are so slim (according to my doctor, 1%), it is infinitely more frustrating and depressing for me. Sure, it hasn't been that long since we've been trying again, but it is still very unnerving.

So, I have said goodbye to Metformin (all it brought me was weight gain, anger, and headaches). Now, I'm trying to clean my body of the chemicals I have been putting into my body for the last two years. A more holistic approach appeals to me so much more. A few years ago, I tried using Xango, a fruit juice primarily extracted from the mangosteen fruit. It totally detoxed my body. I'm hoping now it will do the same. So stay tuned as Catherine Yates, lab rat, starts a new path to dealing with PCOS.